I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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