So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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