I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
