Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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