so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
