now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
