i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
