the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
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i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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