I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
