Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
