Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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