So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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