I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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