guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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