dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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