no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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