either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
