the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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