You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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