When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
