you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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