Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
