I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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