there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
