no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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