My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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