just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
