You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am full of burrito and curiosity
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
