Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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