I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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