Umm I'm too high to move.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
