i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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