my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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