you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
