i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
