did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.