I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
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I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?