so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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