so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
