i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
