My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You pole danced in your parka.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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