My liver just broke up with me...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
