I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
