laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
