i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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