Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
