I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
