I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
