so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
