I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
