we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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