the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
