the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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