Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
