is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
