oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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