Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
