Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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